“Can’t” – my least favorite four-letter word

“I can’t do it!” has slipped into Jack’s vocabulary, and I don’t like it.

It started out very innocently – “I can’t sleep.”  We’ve all been there, and he stayed still in his bed for a good hour before proclaiming that sleep was eluding him, so I understood that one.  But now it crops up in all kinds of places.  This morning it was the Lincoln Logs  - “I can’t build a house,” even though just yesterday he used the logs for a very impressive tower that he built unassisted.  A few days ago he told me that he can’t draw a train with his crayons.  We have a new example of “I can’t” nearly every day.

I’m not troubled by an honest “I can’t,” like when he couldn’t sleep.  He made the effort, and sometimes sleep just eludes a person, whether he’s two or thirty-two.  But I am bothered by an “I can’t” that comes before “I tried.”  I truly don’t expect him to be able to build a Lincoln Log cabin without some guidance – at age 35 I still build mine by trial and error.  But I want him to try before he gives up.  I’ve been trying to redirect the “I can’ts” into “let’s try.”  But is that enough?

As I do with all tough parenting situations, I asked The Google, but I’m not sure I’m so happy with the results.  The most relevant article seemed to suggest that saying “I can’t” stems from a self-esteem issue.  My son?  Low self esteem?  I’m going to have a hard time buying into that theory.  Even so, we’ve been doing some Bob the Builder affirmations (can we build it? YES WE CAN!).The jury is out on whether that’s going to do any good, but it’s fun to sing.

One sage mom commented that her response is to encourage her child to try the task, and they work through it together, one step at a time.  I like that approach!  Another parent said they told her daughter that “can’t” is a naughty word which she gets in trouble for using (while acknowledging that doing so is probably cruel – gah!).  I won’t get behind that one.   Yahoo Answers suggested that a time-out is appropriate – again, I just don’t see that.

With respect to the Lincoln Logs, we’ve been working together on our house.  I showed Jack where to put the pieces, and we built our modest cabin together.  Now the cabin has become Thomas the Train’s house, and apparently he’s having a party for all of the trains today.  I’m hoping the fun he’s having with it helps him remember that making an effort can yield some good results.  But as with any parenting issue, I still have to ask myself whether what I’m doing is going to be enough.

While my Google search didn’t yield the positive results I was hoping for, it did assure me that “I can’t” is a common toddler stage, and sometimes you just need to work through stages one day at a time.

Parents – have you or are you working through an “I can’t” stage?  Or a “no” stage?  What has worked for you?