How Children Prepare us for Survival in the Zombie Apocalypse: Part One

This is the first of a two-part series.  Why a two part series?  Because the more my husband and I discussed this topic, the longer the blog post got.  Rather than write War and Peace, I thought it best to break this post up into a series of two posts, with the second part in the series published on Thursday.  

Having a child is an amazing, life-changing event.  It makes you grow spiritually and emotionally.  It tests you.  It teaches you patience, and it teaches you love.  It is rewarding beyond measure, and some of those rewards are completely unexpected.  For all of the trials and tests that come with parenthood, we can all be assured of one thing:

Raising children is great preparation for the zombie apocalypse.

I present to you ten ways  in which children prepare us for the zombies:

1.  Parenthood forces you to develop a strong stomach.  Babies get us used to the grossness of the human body realllllll quick.  If you’ve been a parent for more than 24 hours, there is little doubt that you’ve been covered in someone else’s secretions.  Pee, poo, puke and drool are training grounds for the blood, brains and bodily fluids of the zombie apocalypse.

2.  Parenthood hones your negotiation skills.  ”If you finish your carrots, you can stay up an extra twenty minutes tonight.”  ”No television until you clean your room.”  ”If you just go the f*ck to sleep, I’ll buy you a pony.  A car.  Anything.  JUST SLEEP!”  Parents quickly become expert negotiators.  It is a little known fact that the FBI’s best hostage negotiators spent hours training with overtired two- and three-year olds.  Negotiation skills will get you far in the post-apocalyptic world.  When the dollar falls and barter is king, you’ll need to negotiate, and parents will have the edge in that department.

3.  You get used to being sleep deprived and dirty.  The first few months of parenthood magical.  You’ll spend your days and nights soaking up the wonder of this tiny being who needs you and loves you.  Blah, blah, blah.  You’ll also spend those first few months existing on ridiculously little sleep.  It is surprising just how little rest a human being actually needs to survive – and you’ll find out!  Moreover, that special, magical time may be the only time in your life, pre-apocalypse, when you really cannot remember the last time you showered.  Once the zombies come, sleep and showers are going to be luxuries, and the parents among us will already be conditioned to endure those tough times.

3a.  Bonus!  After a few days of no sleep and no shower, you develop an undead-like shuffle and a subhuman smell.  If you can’t beat the zombies, there’s at least some hope that you may blend in.

4.  You’ll become a master of improvised weaponry.  How do children hone your weapons skills?  Hear me out:  If you are a parent, there’s a good chance that within reach, you have a handful of Legos, a Hotwheels car, and perhaps even a dirty diaper.  The nonparent equipped with those items would see a zombie approaching and believe she has nothing to defend herself.  But a parent knows better.  The parent scatters the Legos on the ground – nothing hurts quite like stepping on a Lego – lobs that toy car at the zombie’s forehead (before they are old enough to know better, kids think it is HILARIOUS to throw things.  You’ll never forget the pain of a tiny Matchbox car meeting your temple at a high rate of speed), and launch the dirty diaper at the Z’s head.   That kind of improvised weaponry will buy a few precious moments that can be used to stage your getaway.

5.  You’ll be conditioned to withstand the unprecedented mental stress of the apocalypse.  When people talk about dealing with zombies, they almost entirely contemplate the physical aspects:  the fighting, the sheer survival.  Rarely do they delve into the emotional and psychological effects of our post-apocalypse situation.  Parents, however, spend years being conditioned to withstand the most insidious of tortures.  Think about it, parents:  do you have any kids shows on DVD?  How many times has that same episode of Barney played?  Do you know the theme song to Thomas the Tank Engine?  (And have you found yourself singing it during the day?)   If you haven’t snapped yet, you’ve built the necessary mental toughness to withstand CIA-level psychological warfare.  You’ll be in good shape post-apocalypse.  Nothing can break you.

To be continued on Thursday with 5 more ways that children prepare us for survival.

Readers – how have your children helped you in your zombie apocalypse prepping?