How Children Prepare us for Survival in the Zombie Apocalypse: Part Two

This is the second in a two-part series on how children prepare us for the zombie apocalypse.  If you missed the first installment, get caught up right here before you continue.  

6.  Your immune system will become SUPERHUMAN.  Children are germ-magnets.  They bring home every flu, every bug, every cold known to man (and some yet unknown).  If someone sneezes in the next town over, your child will be dripping green snot from his nose within the hour.  And then he’ll decide that he needs to cuddle you, a lot.  (And moms make great kleenexes!)  While exposure to all of these germs will ensure that you’ll have cold and flu symptoms for the better part of your child’s first years, look on the bright side:  by the time your child is five your immune system will be unstoppable.  Bring it on, zombies!

7.  You become adept at translating gurgles, groans and moans.  ”Ggg…ooog…..merrhhhhhh.”  ”Urrrr…..nnngggg….rrrrrrrmmm.”  The difference between “Mommy, I’m cold and need a snuggle” and “I am a zombie and would like to partake of your tasty grey matter” is an important distinction to recognize.  Parents have plenty of experience interpreting their children’s babbles, and if you can discern a two-year old’s desires from her incoherent noises, you’ll have a leg up on the zombies, too.

8.  You become a light sleeper.  Parents are constantly on high alert.  When your child is an infant, you’ll constantly worry about whether he is sleeping safely and soundly in his crib, and the slightest creak from his room will send you running.  Once he graduates to a toddler bed, it gets worse:  you have the same worries as you did about your infant, but now your child has the ability to get out of bed and wander.  The tiniest squeak will make you leap out of bed.  By the time your child is five, your sense of hearing will be so heightened that the sound of a cricket farting will send you running.  Zombies will have absolutely no chance of sneaking up on you.

9.  Your sense of smell becomes extremely acute.  *sniff sniff*  Did you poop?  I smell poop.  Did you poop?  Let me check your diaper – I think you pooped.  The most impressive among us can smell a soiled diaper in the next county.   A good sense of smell will help you sniff out the undead before you even hear them moan.

10.  Your startle reflex will diminish.  Have you ever woken up to find a toddler standing a half inch from your face, breathing his hot breath all over you?  After the first thirty or so times, it becomes much less terrifying.  Really, you’ll hardly jump at all after the first dozen times.  Such calm, unflinching demeanor will serve you well in the coming apocalypse.  Zombies can sense fear, and if you show no fear, you’ll do well.

SO, readers:  what did we miss?  What important zombie skills have you honed as a parent?  What is going to get you through the zombie apocalypse?