On etiquette, courtesy and not shitting on someone’s birth story

A few months back I wrote a piece for a blog carnival about embracing one’s birth story.  The premise behind the theme is the recognition that not everyone gets the birth that they want, but that there is a lot of value in finding at least one aspect of your birth story that you can embrace and acknowledge as “good.”  Jack’s birth involved medical intervention, but overall I felt that my voice was heard in the process.  I felt good about writing that piece.

And then someone was compelled to comment on my post.  I get too angry thinking about it to go back and get the proper quote (I may have even deleted it – I don’t recall) but the gist of her comment was that it was a shame that I was so ignorant as to think that my intervention-filled birth was a “good” birth.  She may have said “brainwashed” instead of “ignorant, ” or maybe even “blissfully unaware,” but I can tell you that the words stung no less because their intention was clear:  my birthing experienced was lessened because of the medical interventions.

I was shocked.  Floored.  Taken aback.  How dare she?  How dare she?

Her comment made me stew for awhile.  Then it made me think.  And then, finally, it made me write.

Uninvited judgment has absolutely no place in the retelling of one’s birthing experience.  

Ask any woman about the best day of her life, and many – perhaps most – will immediately point to the day of their child’s birth.  Weddings, special vacations, memorable anniversaries – they all have their place, but the birth of a child is something special.  Paramount.  Why on earth would anyone, after the fact, want to lessen that for her?

But we judge all the time, don’t we?  I see the laments on Facebook constantly.

“My FB friend has her c-section scheduled for next week.  SIGH.”

“I can’t believe X let the doctor use Y.  I never would have.”

Social media is a breeding ground for these criticisms.  The relative anonymity of the Internet has an amazing way of turning otherwise nice, polite people judgmental and rude.

I understand the temptation.  The idea of a natural, medical intervention free birth just seems so amazing.  So perfect.  Everything that birth should be.  Why wouldn’t we want everyone to have that amazing experience?

But we know the reality is that just isn’t the reality for everyone.  No matter how much we SIGH on Facebook, some babies are going to come into this world via c-section.  And no amount of lamenting, complaining and protesting is going to change a birth experience that has already happened.  Not until we really figure out how to get that DeLorean up to 88.

So the next time someone talks about her birth experience, consider saying “congratulations on your wonderful new baby,” even if it means biting your tongue.  If she is lamenting an intervention that wasn’t on her birth plan, sympathize and listen.  If you need to say something, perhaps help her recognize that their birth story is their own, and each one is different.  But keep the “you should have” and the “well I did” out of it.  It sucks, it is rude, and it lessens the woman’s experience.  Ever since that comment on my blog, I’ve been second-guessing something that happened nearly three years ago – something that I can’t do a damn thing about now.

No one needs that.

Let her enjoy her story.  It is the only one she has.  Let her cherish it to its fullest.